New Year’s Resolutions

January 1, 2011

A scene from our family's New Year's Eve celebration

Given that today is the first day of 2011, the obvious thing for me to do here would be to tell you all about my various New Year’s resolutions and attendant plans for bettering myself and achieving a whole new level of life awesomeness in the year to come.  The things is, though, I don’t really feel like it.  Maybe it’s because I’m not willing to commit to my resolutions in such a permanent way — come July, I don’t want to be reminded by the blog archives of my annual lack of follow-through.  Or maybe it’s that I’m actually fairly hard on myself all 365 days each year, so New Year’s resolutions just become another way to beat myself up for my various shortcomings, and that’d be no fun to read.

Instead, I thought I’d craft a list of New Year’s resolutions for other people — resolutions that, if followed, would definitely make for a happy New Year for me!  Check ’em out, and then leave your resolutions in the comments — your own or wishes for others.  You can even make some for me if you want.  The Goose blog is nothing if not flexible.

Meryl’s New Year’s Resolutions (for Other People)

1)  My eldest child resolves to take better care of his teeth and stop being such a phenomenal jackass in the morning.  (The other day, I woke him up with breakfast from Starbucks, saying, “Good morning!  I brought you breakfast.”  His response, from under the covers:  “UGH!  YOU’RE SO ANNOYING!”  Seventeen is a lovely age.)

2)  My middle child resolves to stop biting me.  Sure, he’s got his reasons, and we’re working on it, but the skin on my forearms really needs a break.  We’ll work on the kicking and punching in 2012.

3)  My littlest child resolves to bring her stubbornness down at least two notches.  Sure, she’s two, but I’m almost positive that her level of attitude is extreme.   In fact, one of her daycare teachers refers to her as exactly that:  Extreme Toddler.  I could do with a couple less extremes in my world.

4)  My parents resolve to start sharing information with each other, so that I can stop doing two separate updates about life with their grandkids.  This shouldn’t be difficult, given that they’ve been happily married for almost 30 years, live in the same house, and talk to each other frequently throughout the day.  Come on, guys.  Give a daughter a break.

5)  The staff at the Goose, especially those goslings with children, resolve to stop looking so beautiful and put-together all the time.  What is wrong with you ladies? You’re giving a blogling a complex.

6)  Kay Jewelers resolves to stop making the most irritating television commercials in the history of cable.  Seriously, every time I catch even the first three seconds of one of these spots, I want to vomit.  Every kiss does NOT begin with Kay.  That’s just a ridiculous thing to say.

7)  Terrible people the world over resolve to stop parking in the “customers with children” spots in the parking lot at Wegman’s when they clearly do not have children.  (I’m talking to you, annoying sorority girls running in to buy self-tanning spray.  Karma’s gonna get you in the end, if I don’t run you down in my minivan first.)


Ooh, this is even more fun than I thought.  I better call it quits before my snarkiness reaches toxic proportions.  I genuinely, sincerely, wish all of you the most wonderful things to come in the New Year, unless you happen to be on the marketing team for the above-mentioned jewelry chain.  In that case, you get what you get.

-Meryl at the Goose




9 Responses to “New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. Keli Says:

    I hate Kays too but not nearly as much as Periwinkle’s. Ugh. I promise to take you out to coffee more often.

  2. Best resolution ever, Keli!

  3. I would like to offer my heartfelt (but mild) objection to the resolution concerning your parents. If the writer would remember that both are parents use e-mail but only one parent texts, the communication would be much better. Kiss my grandkids, please.

    Love, dad

  4. barb mohr Says:

    My resolution is not to have a resolution! Ur right, its way to much pressure. Love you, happy new year!

  5. andrea mooney Says:

    My resolution for you is that you should reduce the beating yourself up 365 days a year. Cut down by 5 days this year, and we’ll see if we can up the percentage next year. Truly, you have no reason to beat yourself up any days!

  6. carole rubin Says:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself! You’re doing a great job with your kids! Being a parent ain’t an easy task! Continue to be unique and different than most
    people your age! Stay that way! Life won’t be easy,
    but, at least you know that the world and you will be better for it!
    A happy, healthy, and peaceful new year!

  7. Erika Says:

    I resolve that Mama Goose will start a small section for very, very fashion-forward pre-teenies and teenies.

  8. Miranda Says:

    You don’t need resolutions because you are already completely awesome. I wish you luck with all the rest and suggest that resolutions should read more as follows: will reduce biting by 20%, will mutter “you’re so annoying” rather than yell it, etc. My kids resolved never to fight again, and even though “never” turned out to be “not for 2 hours” it was still a very nice 2 hours. Oh, and you’re beautiful, too, so you can modify item #5. Happy new year!

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